Got this one today - the rich and famous on sex -
"I believe that sex is one of the most natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want to have sex? Me either."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday Night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (founder Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert DeNiro
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
Those are too good! 
WARNING - ONE OR TWO ARE A LITTLE RAW (but funny)
================================================
Bumper Stickers
The first bumper stickers appeared in America in the 1950s. Originally, they weren't "stickers," but were attached by small wires twisted around bumpers (used for advertising). Here's what we think is the best collection of bumper sticker sentiments on the Web.
There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest.
I feel so much better since I lost hope.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?
Ask me about my vow of silence.
If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.
A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.
Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You are right where you belong. Behind me.
Old age comes at a bad time.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.
Disarm rapists.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.
Was today really necessary?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.
Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.
There are two important things to remember about surrealism. Frogs, power tools, and the Lincoln Memorial.
I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.
O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a b*tch. Men like you made me this way.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Better living through denial.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Prevent inbreeding. Ban country music.
The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray.
If you lived in your car, you would be home right now.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
================================================
Bumper Stickers
The first bumper stickers appeared in America in the 1950s. Originally, they weren't "stickers," but were attached by small wires twisted around bumpers (used for advertising). Here's what we think is the best collection of bumper sticker sentiments on the Web.
There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest.
I feel so much better since I lost hope.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?
Ask me about my vow of silence.
If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.
A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.
Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You are right where you belong. Behind me.
Old age comes at a bad time.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.
Disarm rapists.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.
Was today really necessary?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.
Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.
There are two important things to remember about surrealism. Frogs, power tools, and the Lincoln Memorial.
I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.
O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a b*tch. Men like you made me this way.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Better living through denial.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Prevent inbreeding. Ban country music.
The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray.
If you lived in your car, you would be home right now.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The ButtocksA married couple was in a terrible accident where the
man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied,
"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek."
LOL
Vaseline Market Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )
Well, I thought of this immediately, of course. Gotta look your best.
Vaseline Market Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )
QUOTE (mss @ Sep 26 2007, 08:23 PM) 
Vaseline Market Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )
LOL
I'm loving all of these. They make me laugh.
I'm loving all of these. They make me laugh.
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN
PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER
QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE
BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID.....
....WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN
PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER
QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE
BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID.....
....WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
==============================================================================
================================================================================
A Tennessee farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 10 opened the door. "Is yer Paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He wint to town."
"Well", said the farmer, "is yer Maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She wint to town with Paw. "
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He wint with Maw and Paw. "
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is thar anything I kin do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if yer needin to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Paw. "
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Howard gittin' my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw bout that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 fer the bull and $25 fer the hog, but I ain't sure how much he gits fer Howard."
Thanks a lot esther231, RD, mss, and spielchekr for all the great laughs. LOL!
Cheers,
Bob-C
LOL!Cheers,
Bob-C
To be 6 again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal With extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant My dress size, you dumb @ss.
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh ou t loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal With extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant My dress size, you dumb @ss.
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh ou t loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
Scott, I love it when the moderators have to get moderated! LOL!
Bad Boy, but funny.
Bad Boy, but funny.
Alright - this is an old one but it always makes me laugh-
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" She wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ...one button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps.
He whispers ... "Iron this, and get me something to eat..."
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" She wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ...one button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps.
He whispers ... "Iron this, and get me something to eat..."
QUOTE (Rogerdodger @ Oct 3 2007, 08:45 PM)
Scott, I love it when the moderators have to get moderated! LOL!
Bad Boy, but funny.
Bad Boy, but funny.
You took my Al-Gebra joke off? What's with that? sheesh. Was it too smart? or Too funny?
huh?
It was good enough that they didn't take it off immediately 
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there
[b]ANGER MANAGEMENT[/b][b] [/b]
[b]Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"[/b]
[b]Wife: "I clean the toilet."[/b]
[b]Husband: "How does that help?"[/b]
[b]Wife: "I use your toothbrush."[/b]
LOL Those were good.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties
The first man had married a woman from Indiana and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Florida . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.[color="#0000a0"][/color]
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties
The first man had married a woman from Indiana and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Florida . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.[color="#0000a0"][/color]
One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket
counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a
ticket while the three southerners bought just one.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but
the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to
collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a
ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money That afternoon when they got back to the station,
they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves
into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
[size="3"][/size]
LOL
Okay, here's Larry the Cable Guy.
He can get alittle rowdy now and again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=je_uWwmXi-Y
Okay, here's Larry the Cable Guy.
He can get alittle rowdy now and again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=je_uWwmXi-Y
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..". The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at little every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
(Mama's baby, Papa's maybe )
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..". The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at little every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
(Mama's baby, Papa's maybe
)
Photo on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
"No, silly,"
"No, silly,"
she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?"
"Your boyfriend, then?"
he continues.
"No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?"
"Is it your dad or your brother?"
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.
"Well, who in the he ll is he, then?"
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.
"Well, who in the he ll is he, then?"
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
She whispers in his ear
"That's me before the surgery." [color="black"][/color]
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."
[/color][color="black"]
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
That one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on
The opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,
"Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than
1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
Local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars
Out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
Anymore."
From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
The person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
But they only had iceberg lettuce. He was a Chef? Yep...
From Kansas City !
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
Asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
Which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
Smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
Asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
People when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
Blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
The company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
Fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all
Just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
And for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not
Turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
Our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
Service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
Drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
Tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
Announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got
That side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... And they REPRODUCE & VOTE !!!
A husband died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife, Dawn, turned to her oldest friend Karen and said, "Well, I'm sure he would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Karen, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Dawn. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Karen exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Dawn replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Karen computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."
"The Obedient Wife"
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, a nd wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
[/color]
[/size]
Click to view attachment Click to view attachment
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, a nd wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
[/color]
~The Wal~Mart Cat~
[/size]
[b][color="purple"]A blonde[/b][b] [/b][b]was[/b][b] [/b][b]weed-eating her[/b][b] [/b][b]yard and[/b]
[b]accidentally cut off the tail[/b][b] [/b][b]of her cat[/b]
[b]which was[/b][b] [/b][b]hiding in the[/b][b] [/b][b]grass.[/b]
[b]She rushed her cat,[/b][b] [/b][b]along with the tail over[/b][b] [/b]
[b]to[/b][b] [/b][b]WAL[/b][b]~[/b][b]MART![/b]
[b]Why[/b][b] [/b][b]WAL[/b][b]~[/b][b]MART???[/b]
[b]WAL[/b][b]~[/b][b]MART[/b][b] [/b][b]is the largest[/b][b] [/b][b]retailer[/b][b] [/b][b]in the[/b][b] [/b][b]world!!![/b]
[size="3"]
Click to view attachment Click to view attachment
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
">You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age b e cause you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure wo uld be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
">You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age b e cause you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure wo uld be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your
brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for
a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with
h im in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially'
and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three
million
dollars, but realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future
congressman!
difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your
brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for
a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with
h im in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially'
and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three
million
dollars, but realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future
congressman!
lol
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
The Lawyer and the Farmer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over th e fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements w ith the 'Three
Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth u ntil someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees..
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said , "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over th e fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements w ith the 'Three
Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth u ntil someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees..
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said , "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the
middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP..
BUMP..
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with
his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams
and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his
door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP..
clappity-BUMP..
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is
coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of Robitussin!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket..
and,
(hopefully you're ready for
this!!!)
The coffin
stops!
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the
middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP..
BUMP..
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with
his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams
and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his
door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP..
clappity-BUMP..
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is
coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of Robitussin!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket..
and,
(hopefully you're ready for
this!!!)
The coffin
stops!
LOL! BOOOOO!
Here's why men don't write advice columns:
Here's why men don't write advice columns:
QUOTE
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I had not gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home, I could not believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he could not find his own underwear. However, when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he had been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was laid off from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I do not feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Norma
********************
Dear Norma;
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of engine faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum tubes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I had not gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home, I could not believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he could not find his own underwear. However, when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he had been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was laid off from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I do not feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Norma
********************
Dear Norma;
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of engine faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum tubes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter
A cabbie picks up a nun ...
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Protestant."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."
No joke. Just dying to see if it worked changing my avatar.
MSS - there are some really great animated cat avatars are this site - made me think of you. http://www.avatarsdb.com/animated/
ROFL!!!
It worked. Unbelievable
Just dying to see if it worked changing my avatar.MSS - there are some really great animated cat avatars are this site - made me think of you. http://www.avatarsdb.com/animated/
ROFL!!!
It worked. Unbelievable
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.
You of my favorites, best told with a Yiddish accent, especially the last line:
Willy, a very rich man, prayed this dying prayer, "Lord, for years I have labored to acquire all these riches. Surely you will allow me to take at least some of them with me."
God responded, "I will honor your final request, but you are limited to one case."
Willy arrived at the so-called pearly gates, carrying one suitcase.
"The Lord gave me permission to bring one suitcase," he explained to St. Peter.
"All right," St. Peter responded reluctantly, " but you will have to show me what’s in it."
Willy opened the case, filled with gold bricks.
St. Peter took one look and said, "What? You brought pavement?"
Fairy Tale:
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman
who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag and b*tch........
But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.
The End
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman
who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag and b*tch........
But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.
The End
"I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonsai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an
EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and on amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of .so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids."
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonsai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an
EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and on amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of .so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids."
Thanks for the
link esther231. A great squirrel story. I have another if I can find it. Some people do not know just how mean they can be. mss
My how TV has changed in 50 years!
Jack Paar's Water Closet Joke - One of the early classic moments in television censorship occurred when late night talk show host Jack Paar walked off his NBC program after the network censors nixed a somewhat randy (for the times) bathroom joke. The joke was based on the misinterpretation of the initials W.C. --an English lady thinking it was a "water closet" and the Swiss schoolmaster thinking she meant "Wayside Chapel." The NBC censors thought the joke was dirty and cut it from the February 10, 1960 broadcast without consulting with Paar. When Paar discovered that his four-minute story had been cut, he later walked off in the middle of the live show. As he said "I've been up thirty hours without an ounce of sleep wrestling with my conscience all day. I've made a decision about what I'm going to do. I'm leaving THE TONIGHT SHOW. There must be a better way to make a living than this, a way of entertaining people without being constantly involved in some form of controversy. I love NBC, and they've been wonderful to me. But they let me down." The joke that caused all of the controversy is printed below:
The Schoolmaster."
Prompted by a newspaper column written by John Crosby entitled "The Fall of Jack Paar" that reported that Jack Paar was washed up on television, Paar returned to the show on March 7th, strolled onstage, struck a pose, and looked right into the camera. "As I was saying," he said "before I was interrupted. Of course, the (audience erupted in applause. He continued, "When I walked off, I said there must be a better way of making a living. Well I've looked and there isn't.
Jack Paar's Water Closet Joke - One of the early classic moments in television censorship occurred when late night talk show host Jack Paar walked off his NBC program after the network censors nixed a somewhat randy (for the times) bathroom joke. The joke was based on the misinterpretation of the initials W.C. --an English lady thinking it was a "water closet" and the Swiss schoolmaster thinking she meant "Wayside Chapel." The NBC censors thought the joke was dirty and cut it from the February 10, 1960 broadcast without consulting with Paar. When Paar discovered that his four-minute story had been cut, he later walked off in the middle of the live show. As he said "I've been up thirty hours without an ounce of sleep wrestling with my conscience all day. I've made a decision about what I'm going to do. I'm leaving THE TONIGHT SHOW. There must be a better way to make a living than this, a way of entertaining people without being constantly involved in some form of controversy. I love NBC, and they've been wonderful to me. But they let me down." The joke that caused all of the controversy is printed below:
"An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a "W.C." [water closet, a euphemism for bathroom] around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a "W.C." around. The schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tired to discover the meaning of the letters "W.C.," and the only solution they could find for the letters was letters was a Wayside Chapel. The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note:Sincerely,
Dear Madam:
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there are a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early: although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it. While others who can afford to go by car arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is a musical accompaniment. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can't attend regularly. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of service to you, I remain,
The Schoolmaster."
Prompted by a newspaper column written by John Crosby entitled "The Fall of Jack Paar" that reported that Jack Paar was washed up on television, Paar returned to the show on March 7th, strolled onstage, struck a pose, and looked right into the camera. "As I was saying," he said "before I was interrupted. Of course, the (audience erupted in applause. He continued, "When I walked off, I said there must be a better way of making a living. Well I've looked and there isn't.